Wednesday, December 23, 2015

All the Hard Days

This morning I was going to post something on facebook, and then decided to expand on the idea and write a quick blog post. While signing in to my account I saw the date on my last post, May 30, 2015. Some days are hard. There are the times when every day is hard and you are so busy surviving you barely have the time and energy to realize how difficult things have gotten. The past seven months have been just that. The struggles have been too personal to share, the challenges have been so great that often I couldn't even reach out and ask for support. And really, we've asked for, and gotten, so much support and help over the past 3 plus years, since my husband was laid off, that it felt greedy to ask for support when so many other people we know were struggling. And really, it was starting to feel like people were tired of being there for me, that my need for support had exceeded the ability of others to tolerate the depth and length of my string of hard days. 

But here I am, blogging. It's two days before Christmas. I will admit to being completely exhausted and emotionally raw. My To Do List is still rather long, but I'm accepting that some things won't get done and really, after the year we've had, I've done a lot! I probably don't have time to blog, but I have the desire, and that is something that has been missing. 

We are still in the midst of change and upheaval, but things are getting better:

For the past two months we've had a homeless teenager living with us. She now has a job, and last weekend she moved off our couch and into a shared apartment. 

For the past year we've had my daughter's boyfriend living with us, and this week he is moving out to his own apartment. In January he's starting classes at the community college! 

For my husband's entire career he has been under appreciated and under paid. The last three years he's been unemployed or seriously underemployed. In October he was hired by a wonderful organization as a member of their executive team. His new job is challenging, and involves some not very fun stuff, but he really likes his job! He feels appreciated and his work is meaningful. 

We have a long way to go before we are solidly on our feet financially, but for the first time in a very long time I know we can pay all the bills all the time, and still have money for socks and underwear. 

There are still on going challenges, there are still really hard days, and I'll admit that it's hard to believe that things are actually better and going to stay better. Things have been hard for so long that I'm really afraid of believing that we are finally climbing out of the pit of desperation and back up to the land of people who get to live life, not just struggle to survive. 

I'm so hopeful, and yet so afraid that all  the needs and repairs and things that need replacing are going to make staying in this more positive place impossible. But like I said, I'm hopeful! And hope has always been something I was good at holding onto, always the optimist, but hope is also something that I was beginning to lose sight of in all the struggles.

One of the best parts of things getting better is this: now I can be someone who supports other people. (That doesn't mean I don't still need support, believe me, I do!) Doing things for others has always brought me joy, and it's nice to have a little bit of that joy back in my life. 

My next blog post will share more about doing things for other people, I hope you'll come back to read it.

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