Friday, May 8, 2015

If I Lived in a Fishbowl.

If I lived in a fishbowl it would never be necessary for me to tell you what I wish you knew. You could see that my house is a beyond cleaning, my yard beyond taming, my existence a point on a line between holding it together and falling apart.

If I lived in a fishbowl you would know the days that start with a message from my bank telling me my account balance is below $100, or below $0. 

If I lived in a fishbowl you would witness the days when my hours are spent listening to my children, trying to be positive about their hopes and dreams but knowing there is no money to make even the smallest ones possible. "Mom, I'd like to go rollerskating sometime."  "Yes, that would be fun. Hopefully someday soon we can do that." Knowing full well that even rollerskating is not in the budget. You would see all the hours I spend being there for the members of my family, their emotional support person, trying to be what they need in whatever challenging moment they are facing.

If I lived in a fishbowl you would know about the hours I spend blogging and writing, trying to make the world a better, brighter, place from the dark corner of my bedroom. Working to inspire and encourage others, while deep down desperately hoping that someone will inspire and encourage me.

If I lived in a fishbowl you would see how many people I've hidden from my facebook feed. You would know that most days I want to be happy for all the people who go out to eat, go on trips, explore the world on their own terms, and shape their lives into the adventure of their choosing, but I fail.

If I lived in a fishbowl you would see the reality of my life, but would you understand it even if you could see it? When you said those words "I understand...." would you really? Would seeing it make it possible for you to realize how different our lives are? Would seeing my life more clearly stop the words "Oh, I'm right there with you!" from leaving your mouth when you try to compare your need to decide where to cut back so you can afford more adventures, to my need to stretch an income that doesn't even cover the bills just a little further?

If I lived in a fishbowl would it be any different from how it is right now? Me on the inside, swimming circles in my tiny little world. You on the outside, thinking I should be grateful that someone sprinkles a bit of food onto the surface of my water every day, telling me how lucky I am to have such a cute little bowl, decorated with duckweed and shiny rocks, because many other fish don't even have that.

If I lived in a fishbowl would you even look at me as you walk by, as you breath air, as you walk out the door into the sunshine. Would you think, in passing, that it's just too bad I don't have it in me to pull myself up, to grow a set of lungs, to stand up on my own two feet, because my life would be so much better - more like yours - if I would simply try harder.

If I lived in a fishbowl, would you even take the time to peer inside?

(I think of this a s spoken word poem, not a blog post. 

Hopefully, eventually, I'll find a way to make that happen.) 

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